If you’re from and/or live in Columbus, Ohio then you’re most likely familiar with Eastland Mall, a mall located on the east side of the city. Once a place that was somewhat decent for shoppers, Eastland Mall these days is pretty much a hybrid between a flea market and freak show. It’s like nowadays, you can’t NOT go there and see or hear some wild shit. A few days ago, I had one of those days. Below are 3 things that had me scratching my head. Actually I’m STILL scratching my head as I write this.
1. Kidnappers In The Food Court
Eastland Mall has an Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop located in its food court. Any time I’m there, I make sure to cop a pretzel. As I’m making my way through the food court, I pass a table full of guys who look like Chief Keef. They’re all sitting together as if they’re strategizing about something. All of a sudden I hear one of the say, “Bro! Let’s just kidnap him bro! How else we gon’ get the money, bro?!”. Not wanting to know any more information, I kept it pushing to Auntie Anne’s.
2. Karate Chop In The Pretzel Shop
After passing the kidnappers, I eventually ended up in line at Auntie Anne’s, because I wasn’t leaving without my pretzel. As soon as I walk in, I hear Future’s ‘Karate Chop’ blaring through the speakers. To make things even stranger, the employee, an old white man, was behind the counter jammin’ as though he was Future himself! He didn’t exactly know the words, but that didn’t stop anything. He made sure I got my pretzel though, so it was all good.
3. I ‘Promise’ To Stay Out Of Spencer’s
Everybody knows about stores like Spencer’s right? The weird stores with music tees and prank items? Yeah. I stepped foot in there because it was on the way to my car. Other than that, I have no idea why. Upon entrance, I hear “Promise” by Ciara coming from what sounded like someone’s cell phone. Eh, whatever. The next thing I know, I see this black chick behind the counter with hipster glasses and cotton candy colored hair; hot pink, blue, green all types of shit. She came from behind the counter and the closer she got to me, the louder the song got. We made eye contact, then she says “is there anything I can help you find?” in this creepy, seductive here. On top of that, she’s doing this body roll, slow twerk thing while the Ciara songs plays from… her bookbag that has built in speakers! I had to get up out of there; quick.
At the end of the day, I’ve concluded that I need to stay my ass out of Eastland Mall. Things aren’t at all how they used to be.
